Hiatus

A note to let you all know that I'll be away until the week after next, insya Allah...
Err... yes - it's due to the kenduri...
Tolong doakan semua sempurna, ye?

Take care and see you later, insya Allah

A short note

... to thank the moderator of Ujanailmu on his thoughtfulness. Your package of nicely wrapped and presentable kuih kesirat, (a traditional kuih of Negeri Sembilan which could have easily been mistaken for kerisik) was safely received yesterday. Thank you for your warm wishes and doa for me.

I am not sure whether linking my blog to Ujanailmu has helped Ujanailmu’s business in any way – but I know I would encourage my friends to give it a try. Many are no longer afraid to click and do their banking online. Many more should be encouraged to make book purchases online too.

Once again – thank you.

A few tips on preparing for an engagement

It’s quite funny to note that recently I’ve gotten lots of e-mail seeking advice and opinions on engagement or wedding preparation. Actually, I believe my preparation is one of the hastiest ever – a ‘proper’ preparation could take about 6 months or a year in advance, as suggested by this blogger.

For those who plan on getting engaged – good luck. I can share with you a little bit of my experience – but I may not be the best to disperse some advice since I only had two weeks to prepare for my engagement (that’s exactly why I had to loan a friend’s jubah instead of wearing my own baju on that day).

Here’s a few tips on engagement – as requested by a few friends and readers :

* Seek your parents’s advice – especially your mom. You might be the one who’s getting engaged but your parents would want to be involved – so go seek their opinions on this and that – the ring, the theme of the hantaran and stuff. In my case, the engagement ring was bought in the presence of both his mom and Mak just to make both mothers feel more involved.

* The engagement ring could be a simple band or a ring with diamond or other stones. You have the options of sending first a cincin tanda during merisik and later send another proper cincin tunang or just simply choose between sending a cincin risik or a cincin tunang. It’s your engagement – you choose. For those in Putrajaya – Habib Jewels in Alamanda is currently selling diamond V-ring (with white or yellow gold) at RM295 (normal price RM590), which I think is nice and reasonable enough to be used as an engagement ring.

* Keep it simple and within your financial budget. The hantaran could be less than those for wedding – 3, 5 or 7 dulangs are sufficient. Usually it is headed by the engagement ring (for the guys) and tepak sirih, followed by other dulangs comprising potpourri/bunga rampai, chocolate, sweets, cake or other forms of manisan. But in my case – Mak insisted on giving more significant gifts – so, of the 7 dulang we gave in return of my fiance’s 5, four were akin to hantaran normally sent during wedding – a pair of leather formal shoes; perfume & toiletries set; belt, wallet & pen set; shirt, tie, tie pin & cuff link set. Knowing this in advance, my fiancé also gave me a pair of jubah, a sejadah & a nice woollen shawl. Don’t forget to discuss with your partner – just so that the hantaran would be somewhat balanced.

* Once you have set the numbers of dulangs to be exchanged, stick to it. Once a friend was advised by her partner that his family would bring 7 dulang. On the actual day, they came with 11. Her family had to frantically made up additional 4 dulang - which made the occassion a really kelam kabut lintang pukang one. Try to avoid that, okay?

* Add your personal touches. Pick a few aspects of the engagement and make them personalised – the personal touch can make it more memorable and pleasant, even after the function was over. I did the fruit basket for the hantaran myself – and was very pleased to note that that particular basket was in mint condition and used as a home décor object at his house when my family visited his family for Raya.

* Keep the calendar and to-do lists together. Your to-do lists are time sensitive and while you mark the calendar with the times and dates of appointments, you can also update your to-do lists. What I mean by to-do lists, huh? Stuff such as borrowing or buying the dulang hantaran, get the gubahan hantaran ready, getting the outfits ready, ensuring there’s film in the camera or a new tape for the videocam, etc.

So there. Hope this could be of help.

Lulur at Home

Preparing for a wedding can be really, really taxing. I’m experiencing it first hand. Being the eldest and the only girl in the family has its disadvantages – and this is one of it. I can’t rely on elder brothers or sisters to take care of stuff. My youngest brother Adik is still studying in Jordan and Abang, well – he has a lot on his hands right now. Mak and Ayah of course have their own roles, especially regarding the make-over of our home, the kenduri food and canopies. Apart from those, I attend to most of the preparation which translates into lots of stuff – from choosing the outfits, distributing (and posting) invitation cards, buying flowers for the whole house (pelamin, bilik pengantin, the stairs, high table), buying the bed set for the bilik pengantin, bla bla bla down to the teeny meeny tiny stuff as getting the tiny roses made from satin ribbons and sewing them onto my flower girls’ dresses. Yes, I do them myself. A few married friends expressed their concerns – “Why don’t you pamper yourself, just go for facial or spa. You have to think about these things too, you know? You’ll want to look your best on your big day.” Ok, honestly speaking, going for a facial treatment is a foreign concept to me. I don’t wear make-up. I don’t even wear lipstick and I don’t do facial. I just rely on the basic cleanse-tone-moisturise regime daily. Occasionally I’ll put on a facial mask to give my face some extra ‘lift’. So, I’m still undecided about doing this facial thingy. Spa, though, is another thing. I’ve tried sauna, aromatherapy steam bath, massage with essential oil and all. But of course, I have a budget to worry about and can’t afford that many costly days at the spa. Fortunately, a girl I met at a beauty salon was kind enough to share some tips and secrets on mandi lulur (body scrub) so that I can do it myself at home. By knowing these tips, the girl told me, I could save up to a few hundred ringgits since I can do exactly the same thing at home for a lot lesser than what they normally charge at the beauty house. I’m sharing the tips and secrets here - hope it can help other bakal pengantin on a tight budget too. The equipments: Long handled bath brush Small towel to be used as wash cloth A bath tub Dry towels 2” paint brush The ingredients: Olive oil – massage oil, not the extra virgin olive oil Italians use for cooking. Lulur Mas Sinangling (Mustika Ratu) Kulit Rambai Powder (Bunga Tanjung) Lulur Mas Sinangling soap (Mustika Ratu) Mangir Powder (Mustika Ratu) UHT Low fat milk Essential aromatic oils 1. Gently lather the olive oil on your feet and body. Massage in circular motions from your feet upward. This will help to smoothen and soften the skin as well as help causing less pain during scrubbing. 2. Mix two packets of Lulur Mas Sinangling and a packet of Kulit Rambai powder with sufficient water to make a paste. Apply on whole body. Wait until partly dry and then gently scrub with the small dry towel in a circular motion, rubbing off the powder. This will exfoliate dead skin cells, cleanse the pores, activate lymphatic circulation and boost the elimination of toxins. Use the long handled bath brush to reach your back - slough off the dead skin cells with wide circular strokes. 3. Rinse with warm water and use the Lulur Mas Sinangling soap to get rid of the yellowish excesses. Pat dry your body. 4. Mix Mangir powder with sufficient water to make a paste. Apply on whole body using the paintbrush. Wait until almost dry and the flakes start to fell on their own. Gently rub off the powder. Mangir has a whitening effect on the skin apart from making the skin softer, smoother and it helps eliminating body odour. 5. Mix two cartons of UHT low fat milk with sufficient warm water in the bathtub. Add in essential oils to suit your mood and purpose. Soothing oils such as lavender and chamomile help to unwind after a particular busy period. Stimulating oils such as rosemary and citrus fruit helps to revitalize and energize. 6. Soak in, rest and relax. You can put on a facial mask and soothe your eyes with used teabags or thin cucumber slices – yes, they do help in relieving soreness and puffiness. This is a weekly treat. For daily purposes, just use those lulur scrubs in bottle (Puteri Binari, Temulawak or anything - they are nicer in smell than Lulur Mas Sinangling and don’t leave yellowish excesses but perhaps not as effective in exfoliating the dead skin cells). You can tell the difference after three weeks – the skin is softer, smoother and more radiant. Why don't you give it a try and find out for yourself ;-)

It feels just right

Assalamualaikum wrt Dear A, Thank you for being my reader. When I started blogging about my wedding preparation – apart from writing about something that’s close to my heart, I was also hoping that my blog could benefit my readers in any way – and I’m glad to note that you claimed my jottings as ‘insightful’. You asked me how did I end up deciding that this is the Guy. I’m sorry to disappoint you – but, no, we did not just click on the first conversation. No, there wasn’t any electricity sparks in the air when we first met. No, there was no somersault in the tummy when we first went out together. Contrary to your belief – I was not all that confident about marrying this guy in the first place. Even on the morning of our engagement day, I had some fear that his rombongan might not even turn up for the occasion. In fact, less than a month ago, I was so mad at him about something that I almost asked him to call off the wedding. (As someone had wisely pointed out before – yes, tempers do fly during these times…) Yes, I guess you can say that I’ve agreed to marry a stranger. How much could one learn about another in a month’s time, anyway? Yet, we were engaged exactly a month after we first met. And mind you – we did not even talk to each other the first time he came to my house. I put my trust in Allah’s guidance through istikharah, solat hajat and lots of doa’. I put my trust in my gut feeling that this is the Guy – regardless of all the missing ‘signs’ in the first instance. Well, you know, those ‘signs’ such as the sparks, somersaults in the tummy and all. I put my trust in both family’s blessings. Like my auntie reminded me time and time again – I’m not only going to be someone’s wife, I am also going to take up the role and responsibilities as someone else’s new daughter, sister, aunt, grand daughter – in his family. Having his family’s blessings right from the very beginning is insya Allah, a good sign. Most importantly - it feels just right. Like many other girls my age, I’ve had my shares of crushes and admirers and even some marriage proposals. Like many others too, I’ve known what it felt to be rejected and did some rejection too. Somehow, my previous relationships had never worked well. The longest lasting relationship that I had was too turbulent, and despite having deep and mutual feelings for each other, he ended up marrying another. Tak ada jodoh… As for the rest – they never felt just quite right. I guess sometimes we gotta go through the bad to get to the good… There was an insistent friend who kept asking me out for a few years and persistent enough to actually introduce himself to my parents – but I could not rid the feelings that we’re meant to be just buddies and not more. There was a colleague with whom I had great chemistry with – but I worried about his lack of commitment as a practising Muslim. Then, there was a guy who seemed like the most eligible bachelor - stable job with good pay, no living parents, no dependents, good looking, athletic build, et cetera – but trust was a major issue between us. Certainly I don’t want to spend the rest of my life - or a large portion of it - with someone I cannot trust, right? With my fiancé though, it feels just right. At first I was rather blasé, since I’d learned that once, he was almost engaged to another but called it off at the last minute - so I put up some emotional shield of some sort, made up my mind not to fall easily for him.... However, over the time, he crumbled my defences bits by bits with his words, his actions, his gifts. He made it a point to know about my favourite things to gain cookie points here and there. While other guys might have wooed me with more expensive gifts; knowing my soft spots for postcards, he entrusted into my care his own collection of postcards from Middle East. While others had insisted on taking me out to posh restaurants; knowing my curiosity to taste something new and different, he took me out for lunch at a restaurant which served among others - landak, rusa and kijang. It feels just right because to me, he knows how to show that he respects and cherishes me. It also feels right because it's easy for us to accept each other as who we are. While being graduates from different parts of the world means that there are obvious differences in thoughts and opinions, we discovered that we actually have a lot in common - we both believe in certain principles, we both want certain similar things in life and we share a few similar likes and dislikes. As for differences, we are now learning to tolerate those, as well as try to learn from and with each other. No, there was no spark initially - but as I learn more about him, I learn to like, respect and grow fonder of him with each passing day. No, there were no butterflies in my tummy when we first met - but now somehow, my heart automatically makes a double flip-flop of joy when he sometimes appears for a surprise visit. You said that you could not bring yourself to say 'yes' to a friend who’s expressed his wish to marry you. You have made up so many excuses and you felt that it might be a sign that you are not willing to accept him. You also talked about some ‘preset qualifications’ that you have after indulging in so many romance novels, films and all – about how he should be someone who can read, understand and practice the Quran and Hadiths, taller than you, of medium build, doesn’t smoke, and most importantly, he must be able to treat your family and friends well. Well, different people go through different kind of experiences, and yours might make an even more interesting read than mine... Still, I would support you to trust your gut feeling (istikharah-aided, of course). If it tells you that this is not the guy – then, insya Allah maybe the time will come later for you to feel that it is "just right" when the right person comes along.. As for the preset qualifications – well, just learn to distinguish the ‘must-have’ and the ‘nice-to-have’. Nobody will be able to fulfil all the ‘qualifications’ – thus, it’s important to note that the ‘must-have’ are fulfilled first before the ‘nice-to have’. After all, qualities such as practising Muslims, integrity, honesty, loyalty, patience and trustworthy are often considered more important than say, a guy who owns a condominium in prime area, receives monthly fat pay cheques with good look… And when you finally meet your Guy – try to highlight his strength rather than concentrating on his weaknesses - because at the end of the day, since we may not get what we like, it's important that we learn to like what we get... But more importantly – it has to feel just right. You’ll know how it feels when it happens. Seriously. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Taqabballahu minna wa minkum.

Binding Old Ties

It never hit me how news of an impending wedding could really bind some distant and old friends together until today

This morning I got a surprise call – from a long lost childhood friend.

“Heard that somebody is getting married…”

“Err… yup. Who’s on the line, please?”

“Your old friend in Kulim.. We used to go to Sekolah Tunku Abdul Malik together…”

Ok – I know one of my fellow PTD who used to go to the same primary school. But this guy did not sound like him at all…

“Err… Is this Zul?”

“Nope. This is Mat”

“Mat? Which Mat?”

“Alaaa…. Mat… Mat la… Ingat tak – hat orang dok panggil Mat Sentul tu… sebab suka buat kelolol macam Mat Sentul…”

Ok, I remember having a buddy called Ajim – but Mat Sentul?

“Is this Ajim?”

“No, I am Ajim’s friend. Laaa… hang tak ingat ka?”

“Err… hang ingat lagi ka?

“Laa… awat pulak tak ingat. Dok main sama-sama, pi sekolah sama.. Mana boleh tak ingat”

By then, I felt so guilty for not remembering him when he obviously remembers me.

“Your Ayah just left the house, after inviting our family…”

Oh… Ayah went back to Kulim on an emergency – to visit one of my great uncles who had to be rushed to the hospital and warded due to some heart and diabetes related problems. He brought a lot of the invitation cards – to be distributed to former neighbours.

“Congratulations. So good to know that you are doing well now. I would really like to attend the wedding of my childhood friend. You can count on me coming. I won’t miss this for anything.”

I was touched. So glad that at least a childhood friend remembers me in fondness… I’ve always thought of myself as a somewhat terrible friend because I’ve never kept in touch with any of my childhood friends in Kulim after I moved to PJ years ago… I wonder though, since he claimed that I used to hang out with him a lot, how could I’ve forgotten a friend with such an interesting nickname like Mat Sentul?

#####

Later in the afternoon, by mere chances, I found out that another friend will be having his kenduri soon too. We used to be quite close in Leeds and I’d been trying to get his address to invite him to my wedding. I obtained his e-mail address from another friend and quickly sent him an email, teasing him for not informing me about his big day.

His reply was prompt, starting with:

“I’ve been searching high and low for you… Finally we meet again, alhamdulillah. I’ve tried calling you numerous times, but the number I had is no longer in service. So, I felt a bit at a loss, but honestly, I really, really remember you…”

It was quite easy for me to believe him - because I’d been trying to do exactly the same thing; searching high and low, just so that I get to invite him to my kenduri.

It turned out that we won’t be able to attend each other’s wedding after all – our respective kenduri will be held on the same day.

Great minds think alike, huh?

Playing 20 questions

... could be an effective tool in getting to know each other, especially when you don't know your future life partner all that well prior to your engagement.

Apart from checking on my memorization of the Quran (Juz Amma actually, beginning from easy surahs like An-Nas onwards), my fiancé insists on us playing 20 questions almost on a daily basis. He realised that we did not know much about each other prior to our engagement and he insisted on us getting to know as much as we could about each other in the short span of time we have before our wedding. Hence - playing 20 questions...

In the beginning, he did most of the asking – at that time, I was still busy trying to acknowledge him in my mind as the guy I’d agreed to spend the rest of my life with. I simply echoed his questions, but gradually I came out with my own list of queries. Nowadays, we neither put a limit on the number of questions nor limit the time to answer – one could always mull on a difficult question and revert to the other the next day or whenever we feel like answering it.

The questions vary – from mundane queries such as “Which flavour of tom yam do you like most?” and “Do you like fruity chewing gum?” to serious topics on financial-related matters, household chores distribution, how to handle it if one of us get affected by a terminal disease, which couple we look up to as model for a stable relationship, how to discipline and befriend our future children, etc.

I’d been advised by many to have an MoU of some sort with him prior to the wedding.
“Chances are he’ll try to please you now – and you can hold to some of his sweet promises later on in life,” a friend said. Still, somehow I tried not to make him promise lots of things during our 20-questions sessions. For me, what’s more important is that somehow playing 20 questions with each other give us time to know each other better, to focus on what our future marriage will mean to us as individuals, as a couple, as a family.

I found setting aside time to actually talk things out, to better understand each other’s expectations, helps us both to separate myth from reality. Yes, we had had our fair shares of disagreements – and I am expecting more to come in the future – yet no matter how differently we talk, look at things, solve problems, fight - it always boil down to one conclusion – our differences are the reasons we can complement each other so well.

I used to pray to meet a partner with whom I have enough in common and enough differences so that we can indulge in similar interests together yet never tire of learning from each other.

Now, I’m discovering with each passing day that I might have met just the right person…